Abandonment is not an area that should hinder you or your growth. Your past is not your future.
Shining light through the ordinary things in life helps create awareness and beauty. Awareness can heal past wounds, and trauma from abandonment feelings.
Our brains keep memories and our bodies keep score.
Your past is your past, but your mind processes random entering thoughts inefficiently, without using an organized filing system (where yesterday’s past can be mixed into today’s thoughts like spaghetti strands in today’s meal).
I know from my past that past abandonment thoughts that hadn’t yet healed can quickly muddy your current thoughts and actions.
Resurfacing pain-filled memories can do damage.
Abandonment Is a Spectrum
Abandonment can be one of those fuzzy and invisibly damaging memories that you may not know you have or are holding onto if you your family stayed intact.
That’s my recollection.
On one end of the spectrum, if you grew up in a foster system or were physically abandoned by a parent, that would no question hurt who you were growing up and you possibly still carry hurt in who you are now.
On the other end, if you had small injuries you couldn’t put a label on with one defining incident, that can actually hurt you more because in the invisible (unconscious) you don’t know you need healing.
And if you have unattended wounds, one day, you can get triggered and start snapping at your partner or a close person, subconsciously displacing your emotions, and blaming the wrong person for leaving you or ignoring your wants.
If you’re aware, you realize that how you behaved has nothing to do with them, but all about you and your past!
Psychotherapist, Susan Anderson wrote in a Huffington Post article, that you could have any of these damaging 40 post-trauma effects that include lingering insecurity, anxiety, and shame.
That was my part of my shadow work discovery in a nutshell.
In my childhood, I was invisible.
I felt like a shadow in daily life and on family vacations when I was still in grade school.
That was my an identity memory I held on to until my 20s. And the wound left was feeling unworthy and low self-esteem…
Since then, my scars have been completely healed as I made a point to bring light to the invisible wounds years ago. And as time passed, I knew that what I went through was not a mishap.
Life planned for me to grow up where I did with the parents I had was to help make me a better and whole person that I am today.
To be fully healed and forgiving, helped me to look skin deep and find my second act in this one and only life we have.
That’s the transformational shift that made me take a real-hard second look because I had been carrying clouded insecurities with me in my life, work, and relationships.
Getting to the Root of It All (The Ego)
For as much as I can remember my parents didn’t know how to express love, or give hugs or kisses.
From what I know they didn’t have parents that give them that either.
That was their upbringing in another culture, and growing up in those post-World War 2 times where vulnerability wasn’t a strength (and could be seen as a scandal).
So, my growing up daily around American friends as a first-generation American, I leaned into and went out of my way at time to be touchy-feely with my friends.
Having affectionate expression is especially important when your primary love language is touch (that mine is).
Words are important. Hearing “I love you” comforts the loving part of our mind and affects our deep rooted insecurities.
Love can quiet our primitive ego minds that in any weak moment can deceive and slip us into unhealthy ego fearful thoughts.
If we easily get seduced into a negative spiral, shame trap or think we’re not enough (let alone good enough), we can blame others (or ourselves especially if we’re sensitive).
This is unless in self-awareness, we stop the fearful mind dead in its tracks from the momentary soothing drama trap that we’ve fallen into.
I know I did that for years, I allowed my brain to go where it wanted thinking those were my thoughts. Ha! …but, when you know better, you do better (said the wise poet Maya Angelou).
If the cunning-tricking part of ego in your mind is something you aren’t yet aware about, figuring that out can be a Life Changer for you and save you years of wasting time in negative, unproductive thoughts.
…And when I learned how to transform my mind where the thoughts began, I could be fully empathetic and change any negative script.
In self-therapy with a few good self-help books along the way, I can see my good-intentioned parents. If they knew better, they would have done better.
They are immigrants like so many in America are today. And just by that one-word description, you can guess they had struggles like most of us have, whether we admit to ourselves or not.
So to me, my parents deserve a nice kudos for trying in this one life where we don’t have a manual handed to us.
They could have just stayed behind and never dared to hope and dream.
Instead, they persisted and started a new life in a new land.
They grew up during hardships and heard the sound of bombings living on a Pacific island where they didn’t go to school for several years, sharing some similarities to the pandemic world we’ve experienced in 2020.
They lived in fear during their most formative years when childhood thoughts have a way of settling in deep and for the long haul.
There were 8 in my father’s family where individual wants weren’t met, as their basic needs were only met with limited resources.
They didn’t grow up having preferences and they experienced times when they only had a small meal each day.
After they immigrated decades later, they had to figure out the American culture when they were almost mid-life adults, landing during the chaotic 60’s and Kennedy assasination (a crisis in itself), and the Beatles era where social reform was a norm similar to today.
Learning to drive a car for the first time in a foreign land, and trying to provide for a family of four during a 70’s oil crisis and recession when I entered the picture, must’ve been hard.
From that empathetic lens, I understand why there are only two baby photos of me (and probably contributing to why I love photos today).
They traded one struggle for another. In life’s difficulties, they sought to find normalcy, provide a roof over their heads plus for my sister and I, put food on the table, and raised a family.
All these points I just mentioned, a high ego mind hates to hear as that releases blame.
But if everyone could let go of blame and offer forgiveness for the areas in their life they’re most emotional, heated, and passionate about, we’d have a more peaceful world.
From Abandonment (Victim Mentality) to Learning Abundance
My parents’ mindsets were filled with not having enough..
I sensed their feeling of lack growing up, so I never asked for much and I knew I had to forge my own paths and resources.
I couldn’t live from their paradigms and limiting beliefs and I had to create my own.
And I thought I was on my right path, until I was blindsided that I held an invisible victim mentality.
But that was the cold, hard fact that came crashing down on me when a mirror was shown to my face. I had mixed messages in my mind of my past and current life reality. In my mind, the clouds were in the gray mess.
The Cloudiness In Not Having Defined Labels
On the outside, I was aware I was strong-minded and confident, and on the inside, but I needed past parts to heal that hadn’t been addressed.
I needed clarity out of the clouds.
When unexplainable anger and anxiety emotions bubbled up from nowhere other than a small trigger, I learned how to cope. That’s what we all by default do in our own way if we don’t know better.
I thought that was just the way I was.
As an adult I recalled memories to help me see my wounds. I needed the wounds to scar. A vivid memory I recalled was when we took a family vacation to Disney World.
I remember I was unhappy at the Happiest Place on Earth because we spent all our time at Epcot Center (learning different cultures). Today of course that would be exciting to me.
But in my young mind back then, by the end of day because of my passive whining moves of staying extremely quietness (I never whined, I was invisible!) we ended up at Magic Kingdom.
I was hoping my parents would notice something was wrong with me. My dream came true.
But back then I felt guilty for taking up time and space (my invisible identity kicked in), so I didn’t have ideas for what we would do in the Magical Kingdom. Part of my immature child’s mind was still in shock that we were actually there.
I wished we could have had a more fun family day, but looking back now, I’m grateful we spent time at Epcot and that’s where I’d be today amongst adults if I was at the park.
And maybe that was formed from the memories I had.
But in healthy awareness today, it makes total sense for a child who felt abandoned to have reacted the way I did, especially after I learned decades later there was such a thing as a PTSD of abandonment label.
I don’t like labels as I think they grow the problem, but that’s a good description.
Learning this label exists brought the trauma to light and also reinforces there are others out there who have experienced similar trauma.
Had I known thiat in my 20s, that would’ve saved me years of grief.
Today I’m grateful of the discovering journey I went on to be where I am today.
I’m also convinced you can speed your discovery process up in your life today if you want to.
What Awareness Can Do To Help You
When I became aware, I learned how to speak up more and take up more space.
And I’m grateful I have my vacation memory that helped shape my gradual abundant mindset transformation, that btw, you can change inside you no matter your situations.
I also healed my abandonment childhood wounds instead of allowing my mind to rationalize a past memory as a silly thought I had decades ago. I took it seriously.
By doing this, I ended future material that the ego could have had a field day with (and over and over again!).
It’s best to get it all out in the open to yourself as a real story you lived through, so you can get mind-healthy, and be in control of your destiny.
…Otherwise you can go on living invisibly damaged.
Your invisible abandonment and other childhood traumas can be something you heal yourself from, so your wounds become scars that you grow and learn from, and you become better than when you started. That’s how I feel.
If you have feelings of abandonment, here are a few productive actions you can take today from my lessons learned:
4 Abandonment and Healing Exercises and Freeing Questions to Ask Yourself
1.Witness negative thoughts that arise that turn into negative emotions. Use those moments to ask yourself, “why am I feeling this way?”
Because in most situations others wouldn’t react that way. This can center you to be your own healer instead of wrapped in the drama of your minds’ thoughts.
Question and wonder if your today position in your situations posing conflict comes from the needs and wants you didn’t receive from your past. Likely that’s the case.
2.Remind yourself to distant your Younger Self mind and thoughts from your forming better ones (that turn into attitudes and habits).
You can discover more about how your past is influencing today by doing shadow work.
If you find yourself behaving, mimicking, or sounding like a child reminiscent of when you were younger, then that’s a sign that healing is needed somewhere along the line.
Because having fun doesn’t mean acting like your younger (immature) self when you were younger.
That’s a reflection that there’s a missing piece to grow into who you want to be and become.
Consider if you were playing with a child, you’d play with the child in a way that entertains them, but you wouldn’t mimic to them how you sounded when you were 4 years old, but could change your voice to a Muppet or cartoon character for entertainment value.
In this mature way of an adult acting playful (child-like but not childish), you’re drawing from a present place of creative acting, and not from your 4-year old mind.
Today is a new day, but you have to tell your mind that constantly so it becomes automatic. Also, keep questioning why you act or react the way you do.
The old brain files never get completely deleted but they can show up with new insight and then get re-archived, so the effect they have is more historical fact than attached emotional turmoil.
Think of when you tell your sad story the first time, you may have trouble forming words over tears or anger, but then if you were to give a Ted Talk, by practicing over and over again, the story becomes less traumatic if you keep re-telling your mind-body-soul the story in different, impactful ways (getting rid of every last bit of pain and resentment).
Life is better, and the old you and life are gone, so keep reminding you old brain and self that you’re safe.
And that abandonment was in the past, even if your pain happened last year from a loved one. You’re great and free now.
You’re a new person today and remind yourself how far you’ve come with change and transformation you made.
Keep committing to growth and change.
3.Observe and be aware when you react a certain way that creates discord in you or with others. Is how you’re behaving, rational or fearful baggage you’re carrying?
Because with others, you get a mirror reflecting back to you.
Asking non-judgmental questions to yourself and to them is a better way.
Compare how you would ask someone you didn’t know the same question (in a more guarded manner) and to your familiar tribe where you are more vulnerable, intimate, and the veil is removed.
4.Focus on each person’s positives. We can be expecting more from loved ones, and then focusing on differences instead of the initial similarities.
In long-term relationships, you adopt the others’ views as your own and what you both think, but that’s not the case at the beginning where the power struggle can be debating who is right or wrong and where emotional hurts are announced.
The reason cuts are deep is because you care. And sometimes to be empathetic, you have to let go and not care so much, so that there’s a chance for growth.
That’s how you can grow and heal from childhood wounds.
What if in my story I chose to look at my life as a gift, and that it wasn’t up to my parents to meet my wants and that they gave more of themselves in this world by having me, their second child.
From that perspective, I would release abandonment and blame.
What if you could do that for all aspects in your life that you are and aren’t aware about, wouldn’t that be great?
Final Thoughts
And lastly… if you still struggle to figure out why you’re anxious or have frequent outbursts for no reason that you can’t pinpoint why, most likely they come from your way back past and are tucked away in your old brain and need healing.
You could ask yourself: did you ever feel abandonment?
That could be the start of your healing along with purposeful shadow work.
